Love Letters to Marie Osmond
#1 – Nov.8, 2007
Dear Marie Osmond,
I love you. I love you more than the pie that I just violated, and even though you’re kinda old and skanky now, I’d gladly travel back in time to when you were still a little bit country, smack that shetbag Donnie off the frikkin stage, and rock your world.
#2 – Dec.13th, 2007
Dear Marie Osmond,
Why did you call off our engagement? Was it because of that dance competition thing? Perhaps it was my comment about your vagina? I’m sorry, Marie, but pie DOES taste better. Sometimes the truth hurts and you’ve just got to get over it and move on. It doesn’t mean that I’d rather have sex with a pie! (been there, done that – who hasn’t?)
Please call me, Marie. I’ll convert and we can adopt Jimmy if that’s still a deal-breaker for you.
Yours faithfully (even when a big fresh baked apple pie comes between us),
p.s. Slowpoke Rodriguez? He pack a gun.
#3 – Apr.1st, 2008
Forgive me for not writing you in such a long time. I’ve been quite busy for the last few months and haven’t had time to write. You see, I discovered the world of donkey porn, and I must admit I became quite addicted and caught up in this obscure fetish. I mean country music is fine and dandy, but who knew that a donkey could be trained to lie on it’s back in a smoke filled bar in Tijuana while a woman straddled him? That brand of erotic entertainment doesn’t come by every day, Marie, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive that hefty senorita for turning my head…..oh, and me too. I suppose I can’t lay ALL of the blame at the feet of a Tijuana hooker. Just most of it. (Plus I think they were smoking ‘the reefer’ in that bar and it clouded my judgement!)
On top of all that, I’ve had a recent injury. I was feeling energetic a couple of days ago and instead of rolling out of bed I accidentally did a sit-up and threw out my back! The pain has been unbearable and I’ve been unable to walk upright, let alone write a letter to you. Thankfully, my back is on the mend and I’ll soon be up and about and masturbating to the J.C. Penny catalogue once more.
But I’ll be thinking of you, always.
Your beloved servant,
Marie Osmond is a lovely and talented singer and dancer and has nothing whatsoever to do with furbarwithacrowbar.com. When I was 5 I wrote in my diary that I was in love with Marie Osmond and wanted to marry her.