Horoscope for Democrats 2008
Aries: (March 21 – April 19)
You’re going to vote for Barack Obama because
he fills your heart with hope for a better America.
(You know he’s going to get shot before that ever happens, right?)
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of coming to a decision too quickly.
Better to sit back, watch your party tear itself apart for a bit,
and then make up your mind with a coin toss during the clusterfuck convention.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21)
You’re probably a republican. Well, maybe…could go either way, really.
Which way is the wind blowing today? Go with it.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22)
The stars think you’re some kind of hippie
and demand that you put down the bong and get a fucking haircut.
Boy, those stars are starting to sound like your dad.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug.22)
Calls for unity are for the weak, Leo.
Get out there with your bad-ass self and be
the argumentative divisive asshole you were born to be.
Virgo: (Aug.23 – Sept.22)
There is an opportunity for romance in store for Hillary and Obama,
but only if they both rent copies of ‘Mandingo’ this weekend.
Libra: (Sept. 23— Oct. 23)
You’ll have trouble deciding what the most important election issue is.
Could it be Global Warming, the occupation of Iraq, or the failing economy?
Finally you’ll decide: it’s probably Medicare. Good call.
The stars are rolling their eyes at you.
Scorpio: (Oct.24 – Nov.21)
The stars think that if 50 cents out of every tax dollar is going to your military,
that’s probably a tad excessive and perhaps you should
get up off the couch and vote for a change. Would that kill ya?
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Great financial rewards are in your future!
All you have to do is accept a ‘political donation’ from the NRA.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You’ll have an opportunity to shine in the workplace this week
when an elderly gentleman asks you to accompany him on a ‘cigar run’.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You’re going to vote for John McCain. Don’t worry, you’re still a Democrat.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You’re going to vote for Hillary Clinton because
that ‘3am phone call’ ad scared you almost as much
as your irrational fear of black people.
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