Horoscope for Monkeys
Aries: (March 21 – April 19)
Just because Jojo flung poop at you doesn’t give you the right
to beat his head in with an antelope hip bone.
Don’t listen to the big black monolith. Put the hip bone down.
Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)
Hope you like getting buggered by the Alpha male, ’cause that’s
what the stars see in your future.
Gemini: (May 21 – June 21)
You will fail to understand the signs on the electrical fence and your
screams of pain will inspire a Peter Gabriel song.
Cancer: (June 22 – July 22)
You will get cancer and die. On the upside, more bananas for everyone else.
Leo: (July 23 – Aug.22)
You will get eaten by a Lion. You don’t see a pattern because, hey,
you’re just a stupid monkey.
Virgo: (Aug.23 – Sept.22)
A human woman will come sit with you and observe your behaviour.
She will soon tire of your habit of drinking your own urine and leave
to go watch gorillas instead.
Libra: (Sept. 23— Oct. 23)
No one will be more surprised than you when a day spent eating green
leaves results in green poo. You will be thankful for the warm meal on
a cold day.
Scorpio: (Oct.24 – Nov.21)
Poachers will shoot and kill your parents. After five minutes of
mourning, you will resume masturbating and eating bananas.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You never really cared for swinging on vines, but you will play along
with the white-ape’s charade for now.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You will be a monkey’s uncle, but that distinction soon becomes
meaningless when your niece mates with your brothers and your dad.
Finally, you’ll cave and mate with her too. Yabadabadoo!
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
A Rambo IV film crew will destroy your habitat. In anger, you will fling
poo at them and grunt. Stallone will be sent home and you will find his
trailer to be lavish and quite comfy.
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You will discover how to make crude tools with flint and stone,
but will happily forget it all when your half-sister goes into heat.
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