Ask Spooge – April 2008

Apr.24, 2008

Dear Spooge ,

My boyfriend is a big Leafs fan but he’s had a lot of free time on his hands since they aren’t in the playoffs. Now all he wants is sex. All the time. And it’s always the same way – pumpy pumpy pumpy. I’m exhausted and frankly a little bored – it’s gotten to be a routine and a chore rather than a romantic enjoyable experience for me. How do I get him to back off a bit and maybe try a few new positions?

Signed,

Icepack Wanda

Dear Icepack,

Wee! Another hockey related question! Ok, here’s what ya do: Dump his ass. He’s a Leafs fan, for crissakes! Trust me, he’s used to disappointment by now, and just because he’s adjusted to a routine of disappointment, doesn’t mean you should have to.

May.15, 2008

Dear Spooge,

There is a really annoying guy at work who keeps bothering everyone. He’s always talking about the video games he plays, and asking people to buy him doughnuts. Management has even put his desk in the corner facing a wall so that he is far away from everyone. How do we get him to stop bothering us?

Signed,

Office Grrl

Dear Office Grrl,

A guy that likes video games AND doughnuts? Sounds like some kind of freakish Canadian to me. Surround your desk with a maple syrup moat. That unholy barrier should keep him at bay long enough for you to distract him with timbits and anime porn. If that doesn’t keep that annoying bugger away, kick ’em in the sack.

May.15, 2008

Dear Spooge,

My girlfriend just joined a gym and has been working out pretty hard. Sometimes when she comes over afterwards I look at her arms and all of her veins are popping out. At first it grossed me out, but now it turns me on. Is that normal?

Signed,

Veined Fetish

Dear Veined Fetish,

It sounds like your girlfriend has a rare form of repetitive stress syndrome known by those of us in the medical profession as ‘Penis arms.’ Do not be alarmed by the greenish tint to the throbbing veins on your girlfriend’s penis arms. It is a sign of fertility and health, and it’s completely normal for you to be turned on by them. You may be tempted to ask for a handjob from these strong, veiney penis arms, but you must resist or else you may contract a rare STD that induces the growth of elbows on your penis. No one wants that, trust me. I came down with a bad case of ‘elbow penis’ after my last trip to the Phillipines and that liquid nitrogen freezing really stings when it’s on your bits ‘n pieces.

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